Forget the Smell Test, This Doesn't Pass the Oh, Please, You're Making Me Laugh Out Loud Test

Ah, the Port Angeles (Regional, don't you know) Chamber of Commerce. The dead end, black lagoon(s) of the Port Angeles (Regional) business community. Say, what have you folks been up to lately anyway?

Why, they've been working up a big ol' FIVE YEAR PLAN, that's what. It was mentioned here yesterday, and now has been unleashed for all the community to see. And what a heaping pile of poo it is. It's almost like Mr. Floatie washed up on the Chamber's doorstep and died.

Though there are many laughable things contained within it, let's just focus on the BIG PROMISES to give you the general idea. Read these grandiose notions, ponder them, and then consider how much faith you have in them really occurring.



First, let's note that they make a lot of promises that such and such will happen by 2020 - which is actually only four years (plus change) away. Perhaps this is meant to convey confidence on the Chamber's part. Or perhaps they are just very weak at basic math.

In any case, rest assured that by the year 2020, the Port Angeles (Regional) Chamber of Commerce will have helped to create more than 100 new retail establishments to the "area," as well as more than 1,000 new jobs. They also promise to, and I quote, "create value in the community" by designing and launching a "business leadership development program."

There's EVEN MORE to it, but that ought to do for now. Let's take a moment to ponder those ambitious goals.

Hmmm...

Hmmm...

Now, if there are any doubters out there, let me give you the good word from Luke Robins, Peninsula College president, who said "it is clear the Chamber's plans will be effective." And he's a college man, so it must be true! It is clear that is the case.

Now, for those of you who maybe saying, "Yes, but, we've heard all this before and nothing has ever actually happened and these Chamber goons are a bunch of know-nothing incompetent morons who can never seem to create value or success but sure know how to fall for a good scam," well...I'd say you're being kind of nit-picky.

Comrade Jim Haguewood explains brilliant

Five Year Plan to joyous local proletariats.

***UPDATED!***

Should be "to joyous local polecats."

Apologies for terrible bourgeois mistake!



The Same Sad Song Sung Over and Over Again

Wow! Today's Peninsula Daily News reads like a sort of Greatest Hits of Port Angeles shit. So many familiar themes that come up over and over again. Readers can be forgiven for feeling a sense of deja vu when seeing headlines like...

Woman hit by car in Port Angeles dies

One you've seen before, and will doubtlessly see again, no matter how many City Council members stick their head in the (freshly pounded) sand is...

Port Angeles declares water shortage alert

And then there's the headline that, in classic PDN style, contains a typo that actually makes it both more sad and more true...

Peninsula gains job - but average pay down

I do have to wonder who the lucky person was who gained that one job the headline refers to. Good for them! As for the rest of the town, it's pretty bleak, what with wages down and all. Partly that's due to forces beyond any one person's control, but it's also partly due to local leaders actively working to keep wages down in Clallam County.

Leaders like, say, Randy Johnson, who is touted by local hack Laurel Black in a letter to the editor.

Then, in an attempt to get at those larger forces supposedly leading Port Angeles - and America - down the road to ruin, there's also a letter from Glenn Wiggins attacking Hillary Clinton, for being corrupt. I guess a connected and corrupted good old boy like Glenn ought to know what he's talking about, eh?

All in all, what with the old men being touted, the old men attacking, and the old stories cycling around for another go...It really is deja vu all over again.

It's a Long Way Down...

Once again, a would-be suicidal jumper has been talked off of a bridge on Eighth Street.

Sigh...

Sell Them the Sizzle, Not the Mistakes

Another slow news day Sunday, at least for the ever-unambitious Peninsula Daily News. Indeed, so laid back are they at that cesspool of journalistic excellence, that they have found a new way to stand out in the photojournalism department. Below you will see an exact reproduction of the "big photo" for today's lead story on their website:













Yes, that's right, their big, juicy lead-in photo is...A big blank space. A square of nothingness. Kind of symbolic of everything the PDN does, eh?

Meanwhile, like many of you, I continue to be baffled by the naming of the "Port Angeles Lefties." It seems a wildly obvious mismatch for the town. I mean, can you really see any of the right-wing realtors (like Doughy Dan Gase or Dinky Dick Pilling) signing up to sponsor a team called the "Lefties"? I think not!

No, they want something less, you know, lefty, and probably something more manly, more attuned with the (supposedly) rugged, life-on-the-frontier nature of Port Angeles. Something like the "Port Angeles Bulldozers." Now, that's got some oomph! Or maybe the "Port Angeles Sand Pounders"? What about the "Port Angeles Opiates"? Personally, I still like the "Port Angeles Grant Grabbers," but again, that might not capture the spirit of rugged individualism that sponsors would be attracted to.

In any case, given the misstep in naming, and the cultural mismatch it represents, I'm going to predict one of two things: Either a team that lasts for one season, then phfft, or, there will be a renaming and rebranding.

Say...Rebranding...Why, it's so obvious! The "Port Angeles (Baby) Branders"! Now there's a name with some sizzle!



Quality of Life

Believe it or not, one of the great joys of leaving Port Angeles was trading a town with almost no tree-lined streets for a town with an abundance of shaded, pleasant, tree-lined streets. Port Angeles, ironically enough, is neighbor to a tree-filled National Park, but the City itself seems to hate trees. I can remember for years hearing Scott Johns, the highly compromised "City Arborist" talking about how the tree canopy in Port Angeles is far, far below the  average for a town of its size.

We all remember Cherie Kidd's infamous quote about how depressing it is to come back to Port Angeles from Victoria. A huge part of that is the desolate, tree-free appearance of the town. It's aesthetically unappealing, to say the least, and makes walking around unpleasant in the sun (no shade) or the rain (no cover) - especially when it's coupled with the intermittent sidewalks in so many of the neighborhoods.



In Port Angeles, the only good tree is a logged tree. (Or failing that, a dead one. Remember that proposed "entryway monument" of dead trees that the City floated a few years back?) All this was brought up because the City is planning to cut down a bunch of trees on Peabody Street. They say they will be replaced.

I am confident that the cutting will occur. As for the replanting...I am less confident. Or at least, less confident that the City will get it right. But, at the very least, you'll be losing some full-sized, lush green trees - the kind that take years to "replace."



Sigh...Just keep whittling that tree canopy down, PA. While you're doing so, maybe you'll have time to ponder about the visual appeal of your blighted little town to tourists. (Port Townsend, anyone?) Maybe you'll have a moment to consider that whole "quality of life" thing that NOAA said you're lacking. And maybe, just maybe, you'll have a second to consider how isolating and depressing it is to have a community in which it is so extremely unpleasant and difficult to simply walk around.

Similar Names, Radically Different Standards

Today's PDN provides another opportunity to play Compare and Contrast, this time between the two Ports - Port Angeles and Port Townsend.

Here's one from a few days ago: Port Townsend's Propolis Brewing placed among the best by Sunset magazine

Then, one from today: Port Townsend Main Street Program gets national accreditation amid its 30th year in operation

Nice! You've got both a local attraction and the means to promote local attractions getting national recognition. I can't speak to the beer (non-drinker here), but it's undeniable that downtown Port Townsend is very nice, very pleasant, and thriving.

Now, here's another headline from just a few days ago: Alleged bus assailant arraigned on new charge in Port Angeles

And one from today: Port Angeles police investigate knife assault

If there's one thing that Port Angeles seems dedicated to recycling, it's dysfunction and violence. This "bus assailant" nutjob reminds me of a lot of people in Clallam County - on the edge and prone to acting out. (I'm particularly thinking of you, Scott T. Collins, Mr. Everything.) Think about it: In their retooling of their website, the Peninsula Daily News made sure to include a stand-alone section for crime. And this latest stabbing follows another recent stabbing, which followed another hate crime, which followed another vehicular maiming, which followed...You get the idea. Desperate times and desperate people in a desperate town.

All "led" by know-nothings who are desperate to stick their heads in the sand.

Meanwhile, just down the road an hour, there's lovely, bustling Port Townsend. Beer, restaurants, two movie theaters downtown, busy streets year round, and a successful program for promoting it all. They even have an award-winning publisher there.

How about the standards of publishing in Port Angeles? Well, here's another headline that tells that story, in its own way: Program offers fourth-graders fee passes to national parks

Would someone mind calling the PDN when their offices open, and telling them that there's an "r" in the word "free"? Thank you.

Does the Foolish Port Angeles City Council Waste a Huge Amount of Time and Money? Hell, Yeah!

 

As the world turns, and reality reasserts itself - however briefly - in City Hall, we find spineless City Attorney Bill Bloor recommending that the City Council drop their attempt to ban profanity.

Offering the weakest of weak and most cliché of cliché excuses for the time and money wasted on this effort, Cherie Kidd said: "It seemed like a good idea at the time."



How many people who once voted for the chattering chipmunk Cherie have said the same thing to themselves?



And so, congratulations to Lee Whetham, who has prevailed in this latest Smackdown of Stupidity. A round of "Hell, yeahs!" for everyone - Lee's buying!



No, REALLY? Digital Qwality, PDN Style

I mocked this earlier today, and I can't believe it's still up on the Peninsula Daily News website. It's a horribly digitized horrible picture of a horrible man - in extreme CLOSE UP. Behold the "Peachmug Teaser." (That's what the PDN has it tagged as...)

 

Are you feeling teased yet, Clallam County? 





They Say These Things Come in Threes

They've finally announced the "suspect" in the June 6th hit and run fatality - one young JohnPeter "JP" Smithson. He hit and killed a homeless man, an event which left a wealth of evidence both at the scene and on his car. Knowing a little of what's gone on behind the scenes, I have to guess that they only released this information due to the probing of the folks at the Port O Call.

Or maybe they were just waiting to release it so it would coincide with...Yet another accident involving a homeless person in Port Angeles.Yes, there's been another one, and the victim is in critical condition.

Port Angeles is a weird, sad place. Be sure to look both ways before crossing the street, okay?